A Widow’s song

Despite what you might think, I am not stuck living in the past because I am still grieving my loss.

I am not in denial that I have lost my husband I know that it is my life now – I live it everyday.

I know I am not the same person as before – anymore, I’m grieving the loss of that person too!

I probably do need counseling – amongst a lot of other things.

I occasionally make bad judgments – that’s how I’m learning to find my way.

I know I don’t fit “normal” for you (or me) in the world.

I know you want me to go back to the person I use to be – I wish that more then you.

Maybe I am crazy – if “crazy” means nothing makes sense anymore. Crazy for me is still laughing and crying all in one sentence.

I love to talk about him  – have his picture around. 2 years is not a long time in my world. I have felt like you have over stepped your boundaries with your expectations of how I should grieve.

I can’t fix this for anyone else  – I am doing my best to just breathe, sleep, eat, think and pay my bills – evolve.

I am in pain. Deep pain that cannot always be seen on the outside but it’s there always there – so much so that it makes me physically sick at times.

I am not going to cover it up when it rises up. It’s not healthy for me.

I do my best to help you understand when it makes you uncomfortable. But being uncomfortable is only part of the process.

I hope that you never feel this way.

I doubly hope this never happens to you.

But if it ever does – know one thing – I won’t treat you like this because then and only then we will both understand all of this without any words spoken.

So please have the utmost patience with me while I take the time to create a new song!