I live my life these days never without hope …
There was a time not so long ago that I did lose my way – I know firsthand what despair can do to your very soul – But I also know the power of God’s Grace.
… today, I celebrate my first ninety days of sobriety.
I don’t fully understand the mystery of it, His Amazing Grace. All I do know is that it meets you where you are – wherever you are in life but does not leave you where it found you.
Addiction is a slow progression so subtle that I couldn’t even tell you at what point I lost control. I was your classic [textbook] functional alcoholic – initially! Not to mention the poor bereaved widow. I’m sure being functional [and widowed] is what allowed me to justify my behavior and my continued use of alcohol – what started as a way to “take the edge off” soon became a way of life – my every day life. The more alcohol I consumed the greater the tolerance I gained. I couldn’t get through the day without a drink – I drank before heading off to work, I drank throughout my day, at work – and the first thing I did when I got home – was drink. I look back on that time in my life that very dangerous time in my life – I was never disheveled, there was no stumbling, no slurred speech but my consumption had reached an all time high. So it made it very easy to conceal – I was dying and I wanted to die, I didn’t want to live a life without David in it. I was angry at God for taking him from me and all I wanted to do was escape, erase all of my pain, anger and loneliness that I was feeling.
July 31, 2014 was my rock bottom – there is no dramatic story attached to my recovery explaining what prompted my journey of sobriety, no mayhem, no driving under the influence nobody had been hurt and nobody was at risk because of my addiction – it was a very simple prayer, a prayer from the quiet of my heart that only God could hear.
I wish I could tell you that it’s been easy and that I haven’t continued to have bad days. But the Grace that forgives and restores the broken hearted is very real. Sobriety is really a journey with no destination but it’s what I have discovered in my journey that has been life changing.“It is in the dark that God is passing by. The bridge and our lives shake not because God has abandoned, but the exact opposite: God is passing by. God is in the tremors. Dark is the holiest ground, the glory passing by. In the blackest, God is closest, at work, forging His perfect and right will. Though it is black and we can’t see and our world seems to be free-falling and we feel utterly alone, Christ is most present to us…”
― Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are