miss havershimI’m too young to be a widow

It was a quiet day yesterday, a day of reflection, a day that marked my journey. I was flooded with a myriad of memories as if my mind and my heart are carefully categorizing a life – that no longer exists. Perhaps aiding my own efforts to move forward.

I have chosen to surrender to the changes – the inevitable transitions of widowhood. I have heard it said, “the best compass you will ever own – is your heart.” For me, grieving the loss of David has meant not only letting go of a life shared as husband and wife but also grieving the loss of a friendship – losing my best friend has been an entirely separate process. I found it less challenging to move through each phase [stage of grief] the more I understood the magnitude of my loss – the dual residency that had occupied my heart for so many years – my husband, my friend. Equally less challenging once I let my own heart guide me. The physical absence is far more adaptable because death is a tangible loss – it was the impalpable that I struggled to come to terms with.

We have all experienced events in our life that are emotional markers. This is usually the point in which some clever constructed insight is shared – but for me, it was simply a matter of how I wanted my husband’s “life” represented in my own – now that he was gone. So my choices, my decisions and the direction my life has taken is always prompted by the positive.

Joy, happiness and contentment are not ours simply for the asking, ironically the “inner” peace that seemed to be so elusive first began to make it’s way by my external practices. A clearer perspective has allowed me to see opportunities – participate in events and activities within my community that honor his memory. I’ve planned a trip to a brand new destination. A place that he and I had targeted as the next vacation spot. A second-first, a bucket list, maybe both or maybe just something I need to do in my new normal that allows me passage into a new role – a new definition of me.

Yesterday did indeed mark the beginning of my journey, when I became a widow. But life is filled with a continuum of choices in the series of events that occur in our lives. I have chosen to celebrate his life – rather then his death

Our life always expresses the result of our dominant thoughts – Kierkegaard