IMG_0397 (2)It rained on the day of David’s services … no actually it hailed. I remember someone telling me it was a good sign – FOR WHAT, I thought – that’s the stupidest thing I had ever heard … good for what? Of course I said nothing of the sort, instead I smiled and carefully planned my escape to the other side of the room.

Certainly I am not unaware of the myths or the numerous translations regarding the symbolism of “rain” during a funeral – “the promise of survival” was by far the best definition I heard on that day.

The weather was not as beautiful as it is today – this time 3 years ago.

I just wanted the day to be over – the ceremony of all it seemed so contrite and I felt suffocated with the niceties and well wishes. I felt guilty – about feeling that at all – for a long time. We rarely lived life “accordingly” rarely coloring inside the lines. We had planned something far less conventional but the suddenness of his death spun everything and everyone in opposite directions. It only made sense that there would now be a service – my children needed closure. It felt odd nonetheless and I was uncomfortable dressed in my suit – my black suit mingling amongst the mourners.

There would be one last road trip to make – the coastline was a place we visited every year. Memories of our first trek we made together – 32 years ago. David never lived to see our 30th year together, perhaps this is my way of celebrating that milestone with him. We returned every year to the “Cliffs” – a year older, dare I say wiser, but always with hearts of gratitude for the life we shared, the family we created. We looked to the future with the reminder of the past – two young people starting out in the world – unafraid and eager to start a life together! “Oh brother” is right – ignorance was surely our bliss – but I would fulfill a promise that was made between us, so many years ago and it was only befitting that he would find rest in the very place where he began.

… And yet, I also had Grandchildren to consider – who will one day grace my life, come into my world and fill it with joy – there will be stories to tell, pictures to share of this wonderful man who waited for them – hoped and prayed for each of them during his lifetime. I wanted to provide a place that represented, symbolized that indeed there was a Grandpa – who lived and loved them long before they were even called into existence. I wanted to honor him – in that way as well.

I would not find closure until much later – my decision to garner and scatter would allow me to honor his wishes – respect those who still remain and finally find my own peace.