The framework for the five stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression – acceptance. It is well known and widely accepted that the stages are not necessarily sequential – we move through each stage in various directions, sometimes suspended in one or more – separately or in combination.
What appears to be missing in the definition of stages is the “in-between” that happens in our ever changing emotions of grief the transitions between anger, depression and acceptance – it’s a restless boredom that I define as my sixth stage. Maybe it’s just me – allowing myself to “catch my breath” knowing that this unsettling calm will soon be washed away once the tide changes – yet again.
I lived in such a state of denial – guarded and numb, frightened of my feelings. To be vulnerable was far too great a risk for me, I had known the comfort of an unconditional love – David knew me the best and cared the most – I was struggling to figure out how to grieve his loss of life, without his love and support. I bargained with people for their love and acceptance, I negotiated with God hoping to find an easier pathway of overcoming my pain – my loss. It’s an unfortunate place to know yourself all to well and I recognized the danger in my avoidance of what David’s death had really meant to me – and my life. Whatever was to come next in the remainder of my life without him would be entirely up to me – I was responsible for that.
True to form; I have learned the hard way – that moving forward and living with loss requires resolve because our choices, decisions are rarely met with instantaneous euphoria. I have wandered through the stages, been stuck momentarily in one or more until the lesson could be learned or at the very least recognized as an integral part of my journey – a healing of my heart.
So for now when I find myself in my moments of restless boredom I use the time wisely to consider what I have learned from my experiences – consider where to go from here …
It’s given me a peace and an assurance that in the madness of my circumstances I’m going to okay – and that eventually I’ll learn to “dance in the rain” ~ again!
Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in this life has a purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from. –